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I am beautifully and wonderfully made
I am beautifully and wonderfully made
I am beautifully and wonderfully made
I am beautifully and wonderfully made
I am beautifully and wonderfully made
I am beautifully and wonderfully made
I am beautifully and wonderfully made
I am beautifully and wonderfully made
I am beautifully and wonderfully made
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| "Fear is a friend who's misunderstood."
-John Mayer
I love John, as any good friend of mine would know my nearly-sacrilegious obsession towards his music and words, but with all due respect, I've got to vehemently disagree with that statement.
I don't think fear is a friend.
On that note, I don't think it's misunderstood.
I do, however, think that fear can dictate actions, and can therefore lead to false motivations and a false lifestyle. I am not saying this as a widespread truth, but I think that would be the case for me. I have, in too many unforgiveable situations, allowed fear to project my future; I am afraid of trusting a loved one, and I let my insecurities concoct up a whole bunch of hypotheticals that they could do to hurt me, or that I am maybe not worth their love.
I am afraid of not being good enough, so then I live entirely in that
idea so that it hinders my musical or artistic creativity. I fear being
rejected, so I don't try at all. And then I dwell in these, allowing distance and reservations to be my protection.
I imagine a freedom that comes without inhibitions, and a life without fear, and I realize that I have very little idea of what that even looks like...
Ugh, I feel a little discouraged.
I have so much still to learn.
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| Sehnsucht
How do our hearts work, anyway? The way we
choose at some point in time to deeply vest oneself in
another; to be vulnerable and be open to the consequence of getting
hurt. But then, also being called to recognize the impermanent nature of our world, people included?
That's the thing about the heart
that I take refuge in, but despise so much at the same time: its very
ability to patch up and move on. Had I the choice, I would ideally love someone
forever, though of course it is a bit like committing emotional
suicide, and living a perilously depressing life. And so we heal. We move on, we replace affinity with others by making it a memory, and to a certain degree of the rest,
forget. It seems to make sense, really, in order to survive.
But
then I wonder, why do we do this over and over again? I would
understand its nature if we are required to invest deeply and suffer
deeply and recognize this ability in ourselves only to recover and
protect and never do that again. Touch the stove and never touch it again. Learn from your pains and shame on you if you get hurt again. But no, in this respect, Jesus says, forge forward! Invest more! Keep loving! Over and over again!
I wonder why we are created to do this repeatedly.
I have committed (and continually commit) the great sin of habitually guarding myself, which
would seem to me like the logical thing to do. My question is, is there a great reward at the end in this
relentless love (and pain?) In loving everyone deeply, and to let down
guards?
Past (and lost) friendships, boyfriends, family that I've lost contact with, seem to all concile at this constant strand in my wont to love, my instinct to move
on. And all will become lessons and memories.
Why are we given seasons? And people? To only keep going and going and face the reality of losing them all?
Am I missing something here?
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"Life
appears to me too short to be spent in nursing animosity, or
registering wrongs. We are, and must be, one and all, burdened with
faults in this world: but the time will soon come when, I trust, we
shall put them off in putting off our corruptible bodies; when
debasement and sin will fall from us with this cumbrous frame of flesh,
and only the spark of the spirit will remain,--the impalpable principle
of life and thought, pure as when it left the Creator to inspire the
creature: whence it came it will return, perhaps again to be
communicated to some being higher than man-- perhaps to pass through
gradations of glory, from the pale human soul to brighten to the
Seraph! Surely it will never, on the contrary, be suffered to
degenerate from man to fiend? No; I cannot believe that: I hold to
another creed which no one ever taught me, and which I seldom mention;
but in which I delight, and to which I cling: for it extends hope to
all: it makes Eternity a rest-- a mighty home, not a terror and an
abyss. Besides, with this creed I can so clearly distinguish between
the criminal and his crime; I can so sincerely forgive the first while
I abhor the last: with this creed revenge never worries my heart,
degredation never too deeply disgusts me, injustice never crushes me
too low; I live in calm, looking to the end." Helen Burns from Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte
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| Oh!
i somtimes wonder if i am bipolar, not emotionally but the way i perceive and interact with the world.
i
find that i'm often negotiating with the reality that i live in and
the complex thoughts in my head; the two are strikingly different.
no wonder i live out one thing and behave another, simultaneously;
letting one side dominate one part of my life and the other
dominate another. it's only in moments where i journal or talk to God that i
realize that i need to reconcile these two or else i am living what is
not exactly a lie, but a sort of double life.
i also want to say: i mean
not to be complex. i actively try to rid of this quality because i really hate it. i think life is actually quite simple as long as we allow it to be -- i believe many complex people are complex because they are often trying to reconcile what should
be with what is, and what results is often determination, successes and
failures, dreamers and jadedness; the questioning of humanity, the birth of philosophy.
the comforting thing is, i am not the only one. i can often see the spirits of people who are negotiating the
same way i am; the way they live loudly through their silence, or the
look of courage in peoples' eyes. i can sense the mystery of
people through their behavior; troopers marching in between two lines, wavering sometimes.
there is no need to hide!
it is okay to be human; we cannot be anything else.
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